Living? Or merely existing?

To start with a more upbeat item--I saw Syriana tonight--it was ok, not the greatest movie I've ever seen, but I want to see it again before I make any final judgment (for the record, there were 14 people that left at various times through the movie and at least 3 who were snoring--including the guy right behind me). The reason it wasn't great was that there were so many characters, and plot lines, that at times it was hard to tell who each person was and how different people were related. Without knowing this, various parts of the movie didn't quite make sense. So I want to see it again and maybe it'll be better.

A good friend lost a family member today. So we got to talking, and he told me that it was for the better because the family member had "not been living for the past year, but merely existing." This stuck in my head, and it is a good distinction for several things. On one hand, it is a motivator. There are many times when I feel like I am only existing, and then when I think about how I'm going through life, I do something to put me back in the living category. (ok, I might not have used 'existing' and 'living' exactly, but it was the same concept)

This comment also made me think about the future--I don't want to live till the point when I am only existing. Medical advances have allowed people to live longer than they should be living--at what point do we make the determination of living and existing? A person could be kept 'alive' for any amount of time by being hooked up to machine (either of old age or caused by an injury), but is this living? I know I don't want that. It sounds bad, but I want to die while I am still living--I don't want to be so old that I am only existing.

The final thing this comment has me thinking about (and I really wish it didn't) is my father. I don't know what his final year or so was like. Was he living or just existing? I really don't know because I was too young to understand what was happening. When I think of my father, I often want to hate him for what he's put me through and for leaving me, but tonight, the comment above has me thinking that maybe he wasn't really living any more (yes, I know it's selfish to think of him in terms of how it affected me, but too bad). Maybe he had reached the point where his life changed from living to just existing. And if that is the case, I can't fault him for what happened. If I had been older, would I have seen that? Would I have seen that he wanted to stay for his family, but he had crossed the point of no return and would only remain with us in the state of existence? Maybe I really am selfish for thinking of myself and not figuring out how bad it was for him? What makes me any more important than him?

Too much of the wrong thinking in my head...

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